Chuck and the Cocoa Bean Processing Facility
by mattTheWriter072
Summary: This is a parody of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so expect lots of laughs in this story. WARNING: this story is NOT to be taken seriously! (2005 version)
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory franchise or any characters associated with the franchise. All rights belong to Roald Dahl, Tim Burton, and Warner Bros. Pictures. This is not my intellectual property, and no financial gain is made from this nor will be sought.**

 **Disclaimer # 2 (because one is not enough): The intent of this story is for comedy and entertainment purposes only. With this in mind, you should know that my feelings towards Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will NOT be accurately reflected here. I have no intention of offending anyone involved with the creation of CatCF, its franchise, the movie itself, or anyone who likes the movie. Also, significant portions of the original story will be altered to add comedy. Please, DO NOT take this story seriously under any circumstances! Enjoy!**

Chapter 1 - Introduction

This is the story of an ordinary little boy named Harry Pot—I mean, Chuck Basket. You'd think this was a Harry Potter movie during the first few seconds of that snow-filled introduction. Chuck's family lived in a poorly-constructed house (which was designed by Dr. Seuss) just down the street from the biggest military fortress—er, chocolate factory, in the world! Seriously, if it was a chocolate factory owned by an extraordinary chocolatier, why did it look as inviting as the AT&T Long Lines Building in New York City?

Everything was calm inside the Basket residence. Chuck was quietly doing his homework, his mother was tending to the stove, and Chuck's four (yes, four!) grandparents, all in their nineties, were snoring away in bed. That is, until a scream of excitement was heard from outside, followed by the crunch-crunch-crunching sound of boots frantically running through the snow, and then...

 _ **SMASH!**_

The door suddenly swung clean off its hinges, and with a deafening crash, it fell flat onto the floor. The four grandparents were so startled by the sound that they all jumped out of bed for the first time in twenty years, only to land flat on their backs as a masked man sauntered into the house. He promptly removed the mask from his head, revealing himself to be none other than... drumroll please!... Mr. Basket.

Grandpa Gorge sprung back up, made a fist, and angrily shouted, "You jerk! You almost gave me a heart attack!" before falling back onto the bed.

"You ruined my beauty sleep!" Grandma Schmosephine screeched, scratching her head.

"Well, I'm sorry," Mr. Basket said, looking away in embarrassment as he lifted the door back up and used a few tools to secure it back onto its hinges. He then saw Chuck out of the corner of his eye. "Chuck! Chuck!" he cried as he dropped a pile of white toothpaste caps on top of Chuck's homework, "I just _know_ you'll like this!"

For those who didn't know, Mr. Basket worked at the Smilex toothpaste factory. It was a top-secret organization that made toothpaste for the Joker. As a result, Mr. Basket became enemies with Bruce Wayne ever since he got the job, but he still had to pay the bills, hence the reason why he was working there. We'll never know why Mr. Basket didn't just choose to apply somewhere else.

Chuck excitedly ran towards the kitchen and retrieved a model of the factory from one of the cupboards. He grabbed one of the toothpaste caps, and he carefully placed it onto the head of a man standing in front of the factory.

"It's the hat for Billy Bonga," Chuck said, and Grandpa Schmoe's face lit up in excitement. He proceeded to tell his grandson about the story of Billy Bonga for the one-hundred millionth time, and Chuck still pretended as if he had never heard it before in his entire life. Mr. Bonga flew to India to build a chocolate palace (complete with billions of pink, heart-shaped sprinkles) for Princess Pondiberry, forgetting to bring along the recipe for Never-Melting Chocolate. Therefore, he had to resort to using regular chocolate, and the entire palace melted in the hot sun after a day or two. At least Princess Pondiberry got to eat all the chocolate she wanted, just in a sticky, liquid form. Unfortunately, she began to suffer from diabetes soon after, so things did not go well at all for her.

Meanwhile, security at the factory must have been nonexistent, since three teams of spies managed to steal Mr. Bonga's secret recipes more easily than entering an unsecured bank vault. The reason why everyone knew this was because the envelopes literally said "SECRET RECIPE" right on the front. Fickelgruber (what a terrible name), Prodnose (absolutely disgusting), and Slugworth (now _that's_ just revolting) quickly became more popular than Mr. Bonga, who was forced to close his factory in a feeble attempt to protect himself from Slugworth's secret squadron of bombers. Chuck fell asleep in his grandpa's arms out of total boredom before he finished the story, and Mrs. Basket had to carry him to bed. Even the person watching this movie was starting to fall asleep, that is, until the person noticed there was a GIANT FREAKING HOLE in the roof! The person drowsily said, "How on Earth is Chuck not dead from hypothermia by now?"

Apparently, Siri or Google Now or Alexa or whoever resides in the person's phone must have been listening, because it replied with, "it's a movie about Billy Bonga. Logic does not apply in these kinds of movies." Then, the person watching the movie grabbed the phone and threw it straight at the TV, breaking it just two days after the warranty had expired.

 _"NOOOOOOOO!"_

 **Author's note: I hope you're enjoying this parody so far. Again, PLEASE do not take this story seriously, because I am normally a much better author than this. Go read my other stories (such as "Where All the Bad Nuts Go") if you want some high-quality material. :)**

 **I'll upload the next chapter once I'm done writing "Next in Line", and that's when the parody shall truly begin! Stay tuned!**

 **Edit: I received a review from Turrislucidus not long after I published this story, and she pointed out that aside from the Baskets, the other characters' names haven't been changed. I decided to change Willy Wonka to Silly Bonka, but as for his competitors, their names are ridiculous enough that I kept them as is. Now I need to think about what to rename Prince Pondicherry, as well as the grandparents' names. :P**

 **Another edit: I changed Prince Pondicherry to Princess Pondiberry.**

 **Yet another edit: I changed Silly Bonka to Billy Bonga.**


	2. Introducing the Golden Tickets!

Chapter 2 - Introducing...the Golden Tickets!

 **Hello, everyone! I'm terribly sorry about the wait. The last two months have been quite busy for me, but I'm back now, and fresher than ever! I have loads of ideas in mind for the rest of this story, and I can hardly wait to make them come alive. Again, since this is a parody, please do NOT take this story seriously. Now, on with the story!**

 **(Note: I do NOT own Batman, Final Fantasy, the Geico gecko, Disney, Sonic the Hedgehog, Scary Movie, Star Trek, 2001: A Space Odyssey, or any of the other pop culture references you'll see later on in this story. They all belong to their respective owners. If you recognize it from elsewhere, it isn't mine.)**

The next day, Chuck stepped outside to find large groups of people clustered around some random lamp posts. He ran towards one of the posts, politely squeezing his way through the dense crowd of people until he managed to get a good view of the announcement that was taped to the post. It read:

 _Dear people of the world: I Billy Bonga, have decided to allow five children to visit my factory this year. Those lucky five will be shown around personally by me, and will learn all the secrets and the magic of my factory. In addition, one of these children shall receive a special prize beyond anything you could ever imagine._

 _Five Golden Tickets have been hidden underneath the ordinary wrapping paper of five ordinary Bonga Bars. These five candy bars may be anywhere—in any shop, in any street, in any town, in any country, in the world. Good luck to you all, and happy hunting! :)_

Everyone ran off to raid the nearest candy shop, much to the annoyance of the lone person working behind the counter. Of course, that wasn't the only place where the action began to unfold...

In Tokyo, Japan, a large mob of people stood just outside the large glass doors of their nearest store, texting each other on their phones. As soon as the doors slid open, they practically flooded the store, frantically grabbing all the bars off the shelf.

"This is even harder than finding the Rainbow Pudding!" one person complained in Japanese as he failed to grab the last bar. He grunted and walked away.

In Marrakesh, Morocco, a man was stealing bars from other people, clutching them all under his chest. Suddenly, a horse walked in front of him and it proceeded to do a number two right on the spot, causing the man to slip on the poop. He fell flat onto his back, and the empty-handed people standing nearby hastily reclaimed their bars.

In New York City, a pyramid-shaped shelf was piled high with candy bars. Thousands of people grabbed the bars and ran off, revealing the statue of a naked woman! All the parents rushed their children out of the store to escape the scene which would have turned this story's rating from T to M.

In San Francisco, people were using crowbars to smash the windows of a nearby car, since a single chocolate bar could be seen on the dash. One person quickly snatched the bar, and they all left the scene.

The car's owner then showed up, and he yelled, "What the *bleep* happened to my car?! My insurance had better cover this, or else!"

Just then, a random gecko jumped onto the roof and said, "Hey dude, did you know that with Geico, you could have saved fifteen percent or more on your car insurance in just fifteen minutes?" The gecko continued telling the guy how to choose his car insurance, and guess what? IT WORKED!

The scene randomly changed FOR NO APPARENT REASON to show that Grandpa Schmoe, Grandma Schmosephine, Grandpa Gorge, and Grandma Gorgyna were in bed. BORING.

Chuck lamented the fact that he only gets one candy bar a year, for his birthday. Or at least, that's what the author initially thought. In reality, it was because the story just had to take a break from all the action that took place moments ago. Grandpa Gorge decided to spice things up by saying that the first ticket winner will be "fat, fat, FAT!" Little did he know that his prediction would turn out to be true very soon.

 **Author's note: Once again, I'm sorry that I took so long to publish this chapter. I hope it was worth the wait! How do you think the first two winners might be parodied? You'll find out soon! :)**

 **In case you're wondering what on Earth Rainbow Pudding is, I put it in as a reference to Final Fantasy IV. Just look it up if you want more information.**


	3. Greed and More Greed

Chapter 3 - Greed and More Greed

 **Author's note: Hey everyone, I told you I'd be back soon! I don't have much to say, other than—gasp! I forgot to reply to your reviews in the previous chapter! Oh well, that's behind me now. I'll reply to your most recent reviews, and then the hilarity shall ensue! By the way, I'm glad most of you liked the inclusion of the Geico gecko. ;)**

 **VerucaBeyotch, we're getting back to the story, but there are plenty of more jokes ahead!**

 **Turrislucidus, you seem to be the master of witty and clever reviews. I'm not sure if geckos have tenderloins. Maybe I'll Google that next.**

 **MysteriousMaker1185, you'll find out what the first two winners will be like shortly! As for the fake wedding between Chuck and Veru—I mean, the second Ticket winner, you gave me a great idea for a future chapter. :)**

 **JOHNHAMMOND1993, I know what commercial you're talking about. As for your suggestion, it sounds rather compelling, but I haven't seen half the movies and the TV shows you suggested yet. I probably should get on with that.**

 **Sonny April and XXCandyLoverXX, I'm glad you liked the reference to Geico. There'll be plenty of other references in this chapter and beyond.**

 **TheFastFox, that's what this story is here for, to make people laugh! I'm glad I succeeded. Now, on with the story! :)**

 **(Remember, DON'T take this seriously!)**

The Baskets decided to turn on the TV, and Mr. Basket changed the channel to CNN to watch the morning news.

"...and we have breaking news!" the news anchor suddenly announced. "Not long ago, Billy Bonga, a world-famous chocolatier, has released five Golden Tickets out into the world, and the winners will participate in a tour of his chocolate factory. The first Golden Ticket has finally been found in Düsseldorf, Germany! Stay tuned for our live report."

A small German town came into view, and white letters that read: "Düsseldorf, Germany" began appearing on the screen.

"There's no WAY that puny town could possibly be Düsseldorf!" Grandpa Gorge cried. "The media's screwing it all up again, I know it!"

As if the news channel was expecting everyone around the world to have the same reaction, the letters were suddenly deleted and replaced with "Shut up".

This caused Grandpa Gorge to mumble, " _Fiiiiine..._ " before returning his attention to the TV, where everyone took in the sight of the first ticket winner.

The lucky winner was an orange-haired boy who was so morbidly obese that he was confined to a mobility scooter. He held a half-eaten Bonga Bar in one hand and a large sausage in the other. He wolfed down the chocolate without any problem before tearing the sausage in half with both hands. He greedily stuffed the first half into his mouth, and once he was done, he did the same with the other half. Once he finished eating the sausage (which didn't take long at all), he smiled in delight and rubbed his belly, which was rounder than a beach ball.

The boy's mother, a plump woman who also had orange hair, was alternating her gaze between her son and the cameras (and drinking from a bottle of beer at the same time), and his father was busy working behind the counter of...a FREAKING BUTCHERY! No wonder the boy was so fat!

The boy then reached his greasy, chocolate-stained fingers into his left pocket, and he pulled out his prized possession: the first Golden Ticket, which had a strip of duct tape in the middle for some reason. After that, he reached into his right pocket, pulled out ANOTHER candy bar, and proceeded to scarf it down with that revolting, chocolate-covered mouth of his.

"My name is Augustus Gloop," the boy said through a mouthful of chocolate. Suddenly, one of the reporters interrupted him.

"Did you say Augushtus Floop?" the reporter asked, and Augustus shook his head. "That's what it sounded like to me."

"No, it's AUGUSTUS GLOOP!" Augustus shouted.

"Please, forgive my hearing!" the reporter shouted back. "I'm getting old, and I'm ready for retirement!"

Meanwhile, the author was laughing maniacally at the argument between Augustus and the reporter.

"This is just too good!" the author said, chuckling softly to himself. "I'm calling him Augushtus Floop from now on!"

Augushtus Floop sighed in dismay, and he faced the reporters while holding his (obviously damaged) Golden Ticket in front of him.

"I vas eating a Bonga Bar," he told everyone, "and I tasted somezhing zhat vas not chocolate. Coconut? Valnut? Or peanut butter? Or sauerkraut? Or bratwurst?" He continued to list all the items that did not taste like chocolate for the next five minutes.

Finally, Augushtus finished the list by saying, "...or bratkartoffeln, or rouladen, or spätzle? So I looked, and I found zhe Golden Ticket! However, I bit half zhe ticket off vithout noticing it at first, hence zhe reason why I had to tape it back togezher."

"How did you celebrate?" another reporter inquired.

"I ate more candy," Augushtus replied.

"Of _course_ ," the reporter mumbled to himself, smacking his head. "How could I have been so stupid?"

"And then I ate more candy," Augushtus boasted. "And more candy. And even _more_ candy! **MWAHAHAHAAAAA!** "

The Baskets had looks of disgust on their faces as they continued to watch the news.

"Told you he'd be a porker," Grandpa Gorge said to Chuck.

"Only four more Golden Tickets left," Chuck said. "I promise, I won't give up."

"Now that they found one," Grandpa Schmoe said, "things will _really_ get crazy."

* * *

The next day, the Basket family tuned in to the news to find out that the second Golden Ticket was found in Buckinghamshire, England, by a girl named Verruca Salt.

"This is just in," the news anchor said. "The second Golden Ticket was found in Buckinghamshire, England, by a girl named Verruca Salt."

A text box suddenly appeared on the screen. "THAT'S WHAT THE AUTHOR JUST SAID, YOU DUMBASS!"

"I wish they could stop this nonsense and just reveal that bratty girl already!" Grandma Schmosephine screeched. Thankfully, the scene changed to reveal an enormous mansion that could very well have belonged to any celebrity known to mankind. Apparently, that was not the case, as it belonged to the Salt family.

Inside the mansion, there was a hallway that was so wide that it could have been the garage instead. The hallway was jam-packed with reporters, and at the far end, a young brunette stood with her parents. Thankfully, in terms of looks, the girl was the polar opposite of Augushtus Floop. She looked like she had stepped out of the cover of a fashion magazine, minus her demented smile. In case you're wondering, there were fashion photographers there, but you should have expected that by now.

"Verruca, can you spell that for us, please?" one of the reporters asked.

"V-E-R-R-U-C-A, Verruca Salt," she proudly responded. She turned to glance at the person reading this story right now, and she winked before facing the cameras with that same demented smile.

Verruca's grandp—er, father, decided to take over. Honestly, he looked much too old for the job.

"In case you're wondering, we were going to name her Veruca Salt, with one 'r', but we discovered shortly after she was born that there's already a rock band with that name," he told the reporters. "So we had to add the second 'r' in order to avoid all that legal rubbish. Anyway, as soon as my little girl told me that she _had_ to have one of those Golden Tickets, I started buying all the candy bars that I could lay my hands on. I bought millions—"

"Daddy!" Verruca suddenly interrupted, "I want a Lamborghini!"

"You're not old enough to drive yet," Mr. Salt told her. "Anyway, I bought millions of Bonga Bars. So many, in fact, that I caused a worldwide—"

"I want a Chihuahua! I want an alligator snapping turtle! I want five Rolex watches!"

"Okay, dear, I'll buy you all those as soon as those reporters are outta here." Turning back to the reporters, he said, "I caused a worldwide Bonga Bar shortage, and I found a Golden Ticket within the first day of the contest! Unfortunately, that one turned out to be a _bloody fake_. My workers at the nut factory shelled the remaining ones until I finally found her a Gol—"

"Daddy, I want an iMac! I want a Korg music workstation! I want another pony! I want a chocolate factory that's fifty times as big as any—!"

"SHUT UP, YOU SPOILED BRAT!" Grandpa Gorge yelled as he watched the scene unfolding before him on the TV. "Switch the channel, please!"

Mr. Basket grabbed the remote and changed the channel, only to hear...

 _"I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world!_

 _Life in plastic, it's fantastic._

 _You can brush my hair, undress me every—"_

"STOP IT!" Grandma Schmosephine shouted, covering her ears. "That's one of the most annoying songs to ever exist!" She snatched the remote out of Mr. Basket's hand and turned off the TV.

"She's even worse than the fat boy," Grandpa Gorge said. "That brat will get her karma soon enough."

"I'm amazed she hasn't gotten it sooner, since she keeps on blabbering like the Annoying Orange," Grandma Schmosephine added. "Don't ask me how I know about him."

"That's so unfair of her," Chuck said. "She didn't even find the ticket herself."

"That man spoils his daughter to the point that she puts a Barbie doll to shame," Grandpa Schmoe told him. "No good ever comes from spoiling a child like that."

"How ironic that you mention a Barbie doll," Mrs. Basket said, "considering the song that we heard just moments ago."

Meanwhile, all the fans of _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_ were shouting, "Enough with the small talk already! Let's just get back to the good stuff! At least the 1971 movie isn't full of pointless, boring stuff like this!"

The fans of the 2005 movie yelled back, "Yeah, but at this point, your movie does even weirder stuff that has ZERO SIGNIFICANCE to the main plot whatsoever! Seriously, who wants to watch a middle-aged man operating a computer that predicts the location of the remaining Golden Tickets? NO ONE! And don't forget about that stupid auction, and the totally pointless White House scene! And why the hell is Slugworth playing the role of a villain? This story doesn't even need one! WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL THIS GARBAGE?"

Grandpa Gorge shouted, "Someone needs to restrain those crazy fanatics already! They're interrupting the story!"

The author silently made a promise that he wouldn't write any more dialogue from the fans, much to their dismay.

"Thank you!" Grandpa Gorge said joyfully, breathing an exaggerated sigh of relief. "Now, in order to carry on with the plot, we'd better find out who the third Ticket winner is ASAP, 'cause I'm getting impatient."

Suddenly, some disgruntled fans of the 2005 movie poked their heads through the window, defying the author's wishes. "Even if it means skipping the AWFULLY BORING scene where Charlie opens his birthday present?" they asked.

"Yes," Grandpa Gorge whispered in an ominous tone. "Even if." The fans cheered and walked away.

"Now," a fan's voice said from afar, "hopefully Mr. Basket won't be sacked from his job like before, because the thought of him working for the Joker is just too awesome to pass up. In the meantime, how 'bout we watch every other Tim Burton film in existence until the third winner is announced?" The fans cheered once more and they walked off into the distance.

 **Author's note: I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Did you have a favorite part? Also, what do you think the next two winners might be like? You'll find out soon! :)**

 **Note: Credit goes to the dance-pop group Aqua for composing "Barbie Girl" back in 1997. And now I gotta try to get that awful song out of my head. :P**


	4. We've Got Gum and Games

Chapter 4 - We've Got Gum and Games

 **Author's note: Hello, everyone! Sorry I took a little longer than expected, but I'm back! As I'm sure you can guess based on this chapter's title, we'll be focusing on the next two winners! Let's get to your reviews first...**

 **TheFastFox, I'm glad you enjoyed that little ditty I inserted. ;) Thanks!**

 **Linkwonka88, even though it is an awful song, I do have fond memories of watching the music video as a little kid. I thought Lené was so pretty when she was in the pool. Speaking of Batman references, just you wait, 'cause there will be more in this chapter!**

 **JOHNHAMMOND1993, I'll get on with it once I'm done my current stories. I have quite a few great ideas in mind already, but of course, you won't know until I begin writing the story! In regards to your other review, I'll check those episodes out soon.**

 **Gs33022, Thanks! Veruca Salt (the band) is actually among my top 10 favorite bands of all time. I love them.**

 **Sonny April, thanks for telling me! I'm glad you enjoyed the argument.**

 **The Silly Storyteller, thanks for your feedback! I haven't heard the Tripledent Gum song yet. I think I should check it out soon.**

 **Turrislucidus, I knew about the third book before. I think it would have been rather interesting to read, but like the second book, I'm sure it would have been highly underrated. :)**

 **Rydiaaaaa1, thanks. Now, on with the story!**

A few days later, Chuck's father came home from work, clutching a newspaper in his hand. He promptly removed the mask from his face, revealing a mixed expression of exhaustion and anticipation.

"All right," Grandpa Schmoe said, "let's see who found it!" Chuck glanced at the paper before Mr. Basket began to read it aloud.

"The third Golden Ticket was found by Miss Violette Bleuregarde," he said.

Grandpa Schmoe threw his arms up in the air in excitement. "Quick, turn the TV on!" Chuck grabbed the remote and pressed the power button.

The first thing everyone saw was a video of a young blonde beating the crap out of a tall man during a karate lesson. She wore a black belt, which was quite impressive considering her age. As soon as the lesson was over, she stuck a well-chewed piece of bubblegum in her mouth, and she blew a large bubble before it popped loudly, making a certain chocolatier cringe in disgust.

The scene changed as the words "Tbilisi, Georgia" appeared on the screen. A large, two-story house came into view, and several white vans were parked on the street in front of it.

The lucky winner, Violette Bleuregarde, stood in the middle of the living room, which was jam-packed with reporters, as well as posters and figurines of girls with seemingly spherical bodies. They came in all different colors, including red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and...violet. (You should have expected that last one.) Violette was dressed in a fur suit, and she was relentlessly chewing A PIECE OF FREAKING GUM. GO FIGURE. Once again, a certain chocolatier was cringing in disgust.

Her mother, Scarlette, had her back turned to the cameras. She was standing in front of a mirror, applying fifty or so gallons of makeup to her face. Finally, she turned around to acknowledge the reporters.

She pointed to all the figurines and posters in the room. "These are just some of the 263 recolored fan art drawings and OC's that people have made since they first laid eyes on my beautiful daughter."

"I'm a gum chewer, mostly," Violette began, "but when I heard about these ticket things, I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars. I'm the world junior champion gum chewer. I've been chewing this piece of gum for three months solid, and that's a record. I do it mostly to satisfy my vore fantasies." She let out an evil laugh. "Oh, and because I'm a winner as well. If anyone's gonna win this special prize, it's gonna be ME!"

Scarlette decided to change the subject for no reason at all. "By the way, I also have my fair share of fan art drawings, mostly online," she bragged, showing everyone some drawings of herself on her computer.

"What a beastly girl," Grandma Schmosephine muttered, glaring at Violette on the TV. "Her mother ain't any better."

"Violette's actually quite creepy," Chuck admitted with a hint of nervousness. "Vore fantasies? Isn't that related to cannib—?" He didn't get to finish his question, since the news anchor caught everyone's attention.

"—but wait, this is just in," he announced. "The fourth Golden Ticket has been found by a boy called Mike Peaesstoo."

This interview was being held in a one-story house located in Denver, Colorado. Mike, a boy with spiky brown hair and an attitude to boot, was sitting on the living room floor, playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

"AWW *BLEEP*! DA COPPAS!" Mike yelled as police sirens were heard from behind. He ran up to a Lamborghini that was stopped at a red light, and he growled, "Outta my way, punk," before stealing the expensive car from its owner. Immediately, five police cars began to pursue him, but they were swerving all over the road because of the cocaine (and condoms) their drivers had snorted five minutes before.

Mike suddenly turned a hard left just in front of a building, causing all the intoxicated cops to crash head-on into the concrete structure. Their cars exploded in a series of spectacular fireballs as Mike sped down another road. He spotted a ramp in front of him, and he floored the accelerator, sending his vehicle flying off the ramp and across the river.

 _"I wanna fly high, so I can reach the highest of all the heavens..."_ he sang before the car finished its airborne stunt. Unfortunately, the landing didn't turn out well, and his car landed upside down before exploding a few seconds later. "DARN IT!" he shouted as his current mission came to an anticlimactic end. He put his controller on the ground and sighed.

"In the end, I only had to buy one candy bar," Mike said, sighing again as his character woke up outside the nearest hospital in the middle of the night. "I absolutely _hate_ chocolate, so I decided to use my hacking skills to crack into Billy Bonga's servers, as well as Facebook, Yahoo, Google, Microsoft, the Russian government, all of 'em." This made a certain chocolatier grab a barf bag before...well, you can imagine what happened next.

Suddenly, the interview stopped for a TOTALLY RANDOM commercial break, where someone said, "This program has been brought to you by Rockstar Games, Intel, AMD, NVIDIA..." and the sponsor list continued for three more minutes.

"...and the official, number one sponsor of this program is Microsoft! No, wait, it's Nintendo now! Sorry, it's Sega! Oops, I meant Atari! Now it's Apple! And now Sony just bought out the title!"

"What the hell was that person smoking?!" Grandpa Gorge said in frustration. "That son of a—!" Mr. Basket slapped a pair of headphones over Chuck's ears as the elderly man began swearing and cursing like a sailor. A smile appeared on Chuck's face, not because he enjoyed watching his grandpa taking a spaz, but because Master of Puppets by Metallica began to play.

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Chuck yelled over the music as Grandpa Gorge continued his rant. "COME CRAWLING FASTER! OBEY YOUR MASTER! YOUR LIFE BURNS FASTER! **OBEY YOUR MASTER! MASTER!** MASTER OF PUPPETS, I'M PULLING YOUR—"

"Willy!" Grandma Gorgyna randomly interjected, causing everyone (except for Chuck, who was still rocking out to the music) to gasp at the rather inappropriate innuendo. Thankfully, her husband's tirade came to an end.

Mr. Basket was about to remove the headphones from Chuck's head, but Chuck shouted, "No, Dad! This is the good part!" as the song became much quieter about halfway through. When the guitar solos began a few minutes later, he jumped up on the bed and shredded with an imaginary air guitar. Once the song was over, Chuck finally removed the headphones. "Uhhh, what did I miss?"

"W-well," Mr. Basket stammered before letting out a nervous sigh, "I'll be taking a...a little time off work for the next while."

"Like summer vacation?" Chuck asked him, and he hesitantly nodded.

"Sure...something like that," he said, patting his son on the shoulder before leaving the house. In fact, it wasn't like a vacation at all. The Joker had decided to pursue other obligations, like DEFEATING BATMAN ( **duh!** ), so Mr. Basket was eliminated from his job.

"Don't worry, Mr. Basket," his wife said, trying to console him as they shoveled the snow from the yard. "You'll find another job. Our luck will change."

The next day, Mr. Basket submitted multiple copies of his resumé to several other villains, including The Riddler, The Penguin, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, and Two-Face. He soon landed a position with Mr. Freeze at the Snowy Cones Ice Cream Factory. Despite the fact that this villain normally preferred to do his work alone, Mr. Basket helped to construct a life-sized sculpture of his new boss's dead wife, Nora Fries, before carrying out some real assignments. But hey, at least Mr. Basket landed another job, so now his family wouldn't be starving anymore due to the added source of income. The Baskets were thankful for that, but what, just _what_ , could be in store for Chuck? Only time will tell.

 **Author's note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! In case you're wondering, Mike's surname is a reference to the PlayStation 2 console. As for Violette, she's from the country of Georgia, rather than the state. Feel free to review, and to mention what the funniest parts/quotes were to you. I'd love to know what other jokes can tickle a person's funny bone. Stay tuned for the next chapter! :D**

 **By the way, if you wanna see some of those drawings of Violet—er, Violette, just look on DeviantArt.**

 **Note: Credit goes to Karen Brake for composing "Believe in Myself", which is Tails' theme from Sonic Adventure. (It was the song Mike sang** **while he was playing GTA.) Credit also goes to Metallica for composing "Master of Puppets".**


	5. The Early Climax, etc

Chapter 5 - The Early Climax that Every CatCF Fan Knows About

 **Author's note: Hey, readers, I'm back with the chapter you've all been waiting for! Updates may be a little slower during this month because of a slew of exciting events coming my way, but I promise I'll try to keep the writing machine well oiled. Now, on with the story! Er, I meant your reviews. Sorry!**

 **Gs33022, that was my intention when I came up with Violette's surname. As for the headphones moment, that was inspired by CinemaSins' video "Everything Wrong with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)**

 **MysteriousMaker1185, thanks for the review! For some reason, I couldn't help but hear 1971 Veruca's voice in my head when you said Mike was absolutely bonkers!**

 **TheFastFox, obey your master! :D**

 **JOHNHAMMOND1993, thanks for the suggestions!**

 **Linkwonka88, to the best of my recollection, I think that Nora Fries was either on the brink of death or already dead, and Mr. Freeze was trying to figure out how to bring her back to life, which resulted in her becoming Lazara. I could be wrong, though, so forgive me if I am.**

 **Sonny April, Violette's demise will be a little bit different than it was in the original story. This is a parody, after all, so who knows what might happen? ;) Oh, and I'm glad you liked Mike's surname.**

 **Silly Storyteller, I already know what happens when one types "Violet" and "blueberry" into DeviantArt. Thanks for the compliments on Mike as well as the Joker references.**

 **XXCandyLoverXX, that was my plan all along! I'm glad to know you commented on it. Now, on with the story! (I meant it this time, don't worry.)**

 **(Note: credit goes to MysteriousMaker1185 and JOHNHAMMOND1993 for suggesting some of the events in this chapter. And remember, DON'T take this seriously!)**

 _A short time ago in a town not far away..._

First, an image of outer space was shown, and the background was littered with thousands of stars. The Star Wars theme song began to play as the giant words "TICKET WARS" slowly retreated into the background before vanishing out of sight. More text appeared, and it gradually scrolled upwards.

 _CHUCK BASKET, along with the rest of the world, watched as four obnoxiously bratty children won the first four GOLDEN TICKETS: Augushtus Floop, Verruca Salt, Violette Bleuregarde, and Mike Peaesstoo._

 _After Mike Peaesstoo found his Golden Ticket, the economy crashed, and inflation skyrocketed at a rate that would have made Violette proud. The recession that resulted was so bad that stores began accepting Monopoly money, and the world turned to chaos overnight._

 _With only one more Golden Ticket left on the entire planet, Chuck must resume his quest to win a prize beyond his wildest imagination..._

The camera angle slowly tilted towards Earth, where Chuck longingly stood in front of the factory gates, saying, "Let me in, please, let me in!" Nearly thirty minutes later, when he realized that the plot wasn't going to move itself, he decided to go for a walk to ease his worries. That was when he heard a very faint noise that sounded like the beating of drums.

 _Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump._

"What's that?" Chuck wondered, trying to locate the source of the sound. The noise intensified once he found a nearby pile of snow, and underneath it was a box containing the Monopoly board game. "Aww, I thought it would have been Jumanji!"

The drumbeats turned into a loud rumble, and from seemingly out of nowhere, a stampede of elephants, zebras, gorillas, rhinos, wildebeest, and pelicans barged down the street like a freight train. One of the gorillas decided to rip off the World's Strongest Man competition by lifting up a car and throwing it into a nearby building. The same guy from Chapter 2 appeared just in time to witness the total destruction of his car. (Please don't ask how he got here from San Francisco, because even the author doesn't know.)

"Oh no!" he cried upon seeing the extent of the damage. "My wife's REALLY gonna kill me now! Please, Geico, help me!"

The Geico gecko suddenly appeared and assessed the situation. "Sorry, Geico can't help you with this one!" he said before fleeing the scene.

As Chuck witnessed the chaos that was unfolding before his eyes, he accidentally dropped the Monopoly box, and several fake bills fell onto the street before being picked up by the wind. A nearby man took out his phone and began to record a video of the Monopoly money swirling through the air.

"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," he said as he continued recording.

An older man walked up to the person recording the video. "Nice job ripping off American Beauty," he said sarcastically before he left.

Meanwhile, Chuck was running and jumping all over the freaking place, trying to catch as many bills as he could while training for the Olympic Games at the same time. Once he finally caught all the bills and put them back into the box, there was only one thing he could possibly do.

"Time to go to the casino and gamble it all away!" Chuck said before dashing into the nearest casino (which was packed, of course). He put half of the Monopoly money into one of the slot machines, hoping to win big, but instead, all he got was a message saying that the machine didn't accept counterfeit currency.

"Well, there goes my chance," Chuck grumbled with a loud sigh, taking a $10 Monopoly bill out of the box and putting it in his pocket. "This time, I'll spend the money on something worthwhile." He left the casino so that this time, he would spend the money on something worthwhile. "Hey! Did someone copy what I had just said in writing? That's plagiarism!"

The author decided to ignore Chuck, who promptly walked into a convenience store.

"One Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight, please," Chuck told the shopkeeper, placing the $10 bill onto the counter.

"Sure," the shopkeeper replied. He handed the chocolate bar to Chuck, who got several Monopoly bills and a few coins in return. "Keep the change, please. They're chocolate coins. We don't carry real coins anymore due to how crappy the economy is. Can I help who's next?" A lady in her late fifties walked up to the counter.

"I would like a Nutty Crunch Surprise, please," she said, and the shopkeeper gave her one.

"How would you like to pay, ma'am?" he asked.

"Credit, please," she said, and the shopkeeper handed the credit card machine to her. She took out her credit card and swiped it on the side of the machine, only to receive an error message. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" she screamed in pure anger. "MY CARD WAS DENIED AGAIN?! I'M GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS RIGHT NOW!" She pulled out her phone and called the USA Prime Credit customer service hotline.

"USA Prime Credit," a male voice on the other end said. "My name's Peggy. Have any problems?"

"Yes, Peggy, I have a _serious_ problem on my hands!" the lady hollered into the phone. "I was going to buy a Bonga Bar, but my credit card was denied, and I'm pissed off!"

"Hang on," Peggy said. "Transferring you to my supervisor. Transfer!" The lady could hear the phone being passed to someone else.

"Transfer!" the new person said, passing the phone to yet another person.

"Transfer!" The phone was passed around again.

"Transfer!" The phone was passed around one more time.

"Hello, my name's Peggy. Have any problems?"

The lady in the store was so fed up with Peggy that she threw the phone like a football halfway across the shop, and it landed on the floor with a loud clatter. Chuck quickly ran towards her phone and gave it back to her.

"Thanks, young man," the lady said, her voice still filled with anger. She stormed out of the shop empty-handed, and she slammed the door so hard that every object in the vicinity trembled for a few seconds.

"Well, that was...unexpected," the shopkeeper said as Chuck walked up to the counter once again. The bar he had bought didn't have a Golden Ticket in it, but the chocolate was delicious.

"I would like to have one more, please," Chuck said, handing two more Monopoly bills to the shopkeeper. "I forgot to say that I'd like it in exchange for the Monopoly box I'm carrying." He passed the box to the shopkeeper.

"Well, I prefer Jumanji," he said, shrugging his shoulders, "but it seems that someone else is already playing it, hence the reason there was a stampede earlier. But I'll gladly accept your offer." The shopkeeper took the Monopoly box, grabbed another Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight from the shelf, and handed the candy bar to Chuck.

Chuck tore the wrapper open, and suddenly, there was a flash of gold. The shopkeeper stood still, along with seven customers who had just entered the store, and they were as dumbfounded as Chuck was.

"It's a Golden Ticket," the man whispered in disbelief. "You found Bonga's last Golden Ticket! In my shop, too!"

One of the customers walked up to Chuck. "Listen, man, I'll buy that ticket from you, and I'll give you fifty dollars!"

"Are you crazy?!" a woman chimed in. "I'll give him five-hundred dollars, and a brand-new bicycle!"

"That's enough of that!" the shopkeeper shouted. "How about this...I challenge you all to a game of Monopoly!"

"I'm in," the woman said, and six other people joined in, along with the shopkeeper. They all sat down at a table and began to play the game, and Chuck exited the store with his Golden Ticket in hand. One of the players quickly grew frustrated, and he sent the Monopoly board flying out the door like a football. It whizzed just above Chuck's head.

Chuck sprinted towards home at top speed, and the music from Green Hill Zone began playing as an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog raced past him faster than the speed of sound. Suddenly, the hedgehog turned around and raced back towards Chuck, skidding to a halt in front of him with a look of excitement on his face.

"Whoa!" the mysterious hedgehog said as he glanced at Chuck's Golden Ticket. "It's a Chaos Emerald—wait, no it's not. Time to resume my quest so that I can defeat Dr. Eggman once and for all! See ya!" He ran off, but then he stopped beside a young woman. "Hey, nice ring you have there! Only one more left and then I'll gain an extra life!" He stole her wedding ring (and her phone) and ran away, laughing.

"Help!" the lady cried. "Police! Murder! Someone, please call the cops!"

A cop just so happened to be nearby, and after a short conversation with the lady, he said, "Sorry, but we'll need to send the military after this blue hedgehog creature you're talking about, if he's really that fast." As if on cue, the deafening sound of a fighter jet flying overhead caught their attention. "It doesn't look like we need to do anything at all, then."

Meanwhile, Chuck barged into the Baskets' house, which caused the door to fall down (again), and he began running in circles around the bed which his four grandparents occupied.

"Mom! Dad! Look, everyone! I found the last Golden Ticket! It's mine!" Chuck said as he continued to run in circles. Eventually, he became dizzy, and he fell down onto the floor.

While Mr. Basket was busy securing the door onto its hinges (again), Chuck got back onto his feet and showed the Golden Ticket to Grandpa Schmoe. Despite the fact that the man was OBVIOUSLY wearing glasses, it still took five minutes for the ticket to come into focus. But once it did...

"Yippeeeeeee!" Grandpa Schmoe cried in excitement, and he practically launched himself out of the bed, only to fall back down when he bonked his head on the ceiling. "I knew I shouldn't have had two bottles of dark beer in a row..." he groaned. He quickly stood up before doing a TOTALLY RANDOM drunken dance routine, and he handed the Golden Ticket to Mr. Basket. "Read it out loud! Let's hear exactly what it says!"

"Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket, from Mr. Billy Bonga," Mr. Basket said as he read the words on the back of the Golden Ticket. "I shake you warmly by the hand, for now, I do invite you to come to my factory, and be my guest for one whole day!"

After Mr. Basket read through all the pointless, boring details about how to prepare for the tour, Grandpa Schmoe shouted, "Yippeeeeeee!" once again before running to the sink and...well, you know what happens when people get drunk.

Suddenly, the door was blown off its hinges again (wow, what a surprise) as a horde of reporters barged into the house. The next few hours were an absolute nightmare for the Basket family, and once the paparazzi finally left, everything became eerily quiet.

"Well, isn't this boring or what?" Grandpa Gorge complained. "What's going to happen next?" He then learned that he and most of the Basket family (aside from Chuck and Grandpa Schmoe) were not going to be seen for the next several chapters of this fic. "AW, COME ON!" he yelled.

 **Author's note: I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! Feel free to tell me what your favorite parts were in your review, and get ready for the tour, where more jokes and puns will come spewing out like a chocolate geyser! Stay tuned for the next one! :)**


End file.
